A More Civilized Time

29 July 2003
12:31 PM


I generally tend to believe that the government doesn't need to regulate everything. However, there is currently one woefully under-regulated area in the U.S.: popcorn popping. I'm not talking about stovetop popping—that's a tiny portion of the problem. I'm talking about microwave popcorn and its vicious odors. "What is he talking about?" you wonder. Step into an imaginary situation: someone has just popped a bag of microwave popcorn, allowing its smell to waft throughout your workplace. But, you can't have any. Clearly we need legislation:

Odor Control: Popping popcorn with wanton disregard for the propagation of odors should be punishable by fines. In the vein of dog laws in many cities (they poop it, you scoop it), this approach basically says if you pop it, then you bear the responsibility for masking the scent.

Smelling is 9/10s of the Law: coming into contact with the smell of freshly-popped popcorn legally entitles you to ownership of some portion of said popcorn.

There will no doubt be naysayers who are skeptical about these radical measures. Some will object with the slippery slope argument, "Today popcorn; tomorrow, who knows?" I cannot speak of the future, but I know something must be done today about popcorn. It's just the civilized thing to do.


Yes…but what about when they burn it and the whole office smells really gross for like two hours?

CHRIS STOLE MY COMMENT! But I bet he didn’t have to try to clean out the microwave that 18 pubescent girls used to burn countless bags of popcorn all summer, did he?! Humph. Plus we’re fighting over who gets to keep you.